This emotional life

Quote of the day:

Thank God downs don't last forever. From a friend at lunch the other day.

Whether by synchronicity or coincidence, sometimes timing is everything. My DVD order of This Emotional Life arrived, and I have been watching it all weekend. Just at the time that my therapy is kicking in. Indeed, I am starting to get it. That is, to understand what my therapist is talking about. 

This morning I wrote about some of what I am learning in an email to a close family member:

... I have been working hard in my therapy lately and have discovered, to my surprise (surprise because after all these years of therapy I can find something new about myself !!!) - that I fear feeling anger. It's not the expression of it that I fear as much as the feeling of it ...

As I watch the PBS special, I hear time and again that it helps to confront difficult feelings and earlier emotional memories not necessarily to be cured but, rather, in order to manage them in healthier, happier ways. It amazes me that even though I know this stuff - indeed, I have been writing about it myself for years - it feels new and different, and cuts deeper into my own emotional issues. 

Indeed, I realize more and more, that it is precisely because it is so difficult for me that I research and write about it so much. For I am discovering, to my surprise and amazement, all the ways I use to avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions - namely, anger. 

Avoidance of these feelings is big, but denial of them for me is huge. 

So, lately I tread gingerly, with very small steps, and am starting to notice twinges, itches, rumblings, murmurs, whispers, shadows, ... hints at angry-type feelings. They are coming out in the form of headaches, muscle spasms, hunger, teeth clenching, burning eyes, or vivid dreams. My body surely knows they are there! With help and support in the safe confines of my therapist's room, my mind is starting to pull out the feelings for me to examine in the open. One of the aspects of all this that I like so much, is that I do not need to react to the anger or express it to anyone. The beauty of it is that once I allow myself to feel it for myself, understand and examine it, I can put it aside and have a wonderful, peaceful day. 

I think that, perhaps, I might be allowing myself to really deal with it ... finally ... for the first time?

Comments

[Marion Barnett]

I think the most amazing thing about the human mind/body is you never release more than you are capable of handling....oh sure, your arm might go numb or leg stop working for a bit....but you're right in that you can get on with your day after that!

[Elaine of Kalilily]

I was lucky to have a good therapist who also created an environment that enabled me to access feelings and allow them to exist without taking me over. You are doing so well. Good luck and thanks for the links.