Around and around

I have been reading past posts from my blog. I notice patterns and cycles. In the self examination that I seem to want to do fiercely, constantly, on the blog, in therapy, throughout my life, it seems that I return to similar themes each month of each year that I have blogged, these past six years or so.

Do we all do that?

In a sense, as everything seems to be changing, everything remains the same. 

Joy and success, leads to self-flagellation and angst, and, even, illness. Feelings are hidden, felt, validated, justified, accepted, and hidden again. The need for acknowledgement and unconditional acceptance seems as strong as ever, and do I always strive to let things go, detach, and find peace? Only to find I am attaching, holding on, in a storm of sorrow again and again?

I was hoping that I might be edging, albeit as slowly as a tortoise, towards self understanding and peace of mind. Thought I was making a stand for me, setting new boundaries, feeling love and compassion more deeply than ever ... and yet, as I read back through the years I notice I am going around and around ... just as surely as the seasons turn ... in circles ... cycles ... changing ever so slightly, but yet also staying the same.

I wonder.

Perhaps I should stop working so desperately hard to change my Self so much? 

I wonder.

Has that been the issue all along?

Comments

[Tamarika]

What I have realized is that I now choose a new path in therapy - for joy and fulfillment versus changing an "imperfect" me.

Joared - so good to find you here ...

[Sky]

perhaps so much focus on change is a distraction from full examination of the core pain that is the force behind this need to change. until that pain is felt and its origin is better understood maybe nothing is going to change appreciably? sounds like you are still fighting the same dragon.

[joared]

Perhaps a respite from constantly trying to change yourself and, instead, just being is in order.