Exercising my writes

I should be ...

grading papers

cleaning cat litter

walking

doing yoga

but all I want to do ... is write ...

about ...

... Autumn's wild winds blowing leaves, swirling them up in the air and back down again in piles and rusted colored configurations.

... Ada at the top of the stairs meowing with a loud yowl beckoning me back up to play with her toy mouse - and me meowing back echoing her exact tone, calling her back down to where I am changing the water in her bowls or preparing her food. 

... Dawning light creeping over the christmas cactus on my window sill, whose many white buds are full and bursting to explode open at any moment while I am not looking.

... The necklace sweet Cathie gave me last weekend, which she had made by hand, using beads of olive green-colored howlite, and tiny delicate yellow jade, because before traveling to Philadelphia from Washington, she had read my blog and knew I favor those colors. Dangling in the middle of the precious autumn-colored beads, she had threaded a little Guanyin charm - a Buddha - Goddess of Mercy, whom Cathie told me, "listens to the cries  of the world." Her thoughtfulness could not have come at a more appropriate and poignant time for me. Just on a day when I was feeling weighed down with regret about past mistakes, and overwhelmed with guilt about my worth as a mother. Cathie smiled gently as she handed me my gift she had so tenderly created, telling me that I was like the Guanyin - "listening to the cries of the world." I thought I might break out in deep sobs but, instead, held back the tears and smiled thankfully - stoically. And yet ... I have worn the necklace every day since, and from time to time holding the little Buddha, stroking her and healing from the feelings of failure and worthlessness as I do so.

I have a dear friend back in Buffalo who believes that our cries sent out to the Universe, are answered if only we allow ourselves to acknowledge the responses when they arrive.

I have been thinking ... I might have to add Cathie and her necklace to my list of Angels ... 

Comments

[Joy]

I love your little hsndmade necklance Tamarika...it suits you. I tend to agree with Cheryl too....good post. Happy Thanksgiving sweet friend...

[tamarika]

Dear Cheryl,
And here you are! Your comment here means so much to me - for a number of reasons:
I adore your sociological brain!
I remember receiving that Mothers Day card from you and it made me feel so good to be acknowledged for my mothering - you are so right about that.
Most importantly - even from seemingly so far away - here you still are - my friend!
And - Your words are a tremendous comfort to me.

Many hugs and smiles through my tears of gratitude and missing you ...

ainelivia - to you too - thank you so much.

[Cheryl]

In my experience mom's never feel like they have done the right thing by their children. Some of the most wonderful mothers I know feel like failures. Do you remember the year my mother died, and to honor her, I sent Mother's day cards to a few friends who are good moms? I have never had such an out pouring of emotion, from women grateful for someone else to acknowledge their success when they doubted themselves. I do not believe that women in past generations expected so much of themselves. We grew up being told that we needed to focus on contributing to the world in the same ways that men had done for years. So we went to university, developed careers, became active in politics, volunteered in the community, and many of us were mothering at the same time. And at the same time, the experts were blaming every negative personality trait exhibited by children on faulty mothering. Of course we are an important part of who our children become, but as I'm sure you tell parents all the time, their development is influenced by many things outside of our control. My friend, you of all people, can rest assured your son is a better man for having you as a mom. Your examples of courage, determination and caring are the envy of many others.

[ainelivia]

What a wonderful post. I agree with Cathie.