I have been thinking about my age-old problem of trying to match up, or probably more accurately: feeling lesser than ...
Indeed, when I name it lesser than, I find myself haunted by the term. And, lately, I ponder it constantly. I have decided to explore the feeling to its core, and am realizing where it comes from originally in my earliest emotional memory. As a result, memories are flooding back as if let out of some kind of cage stored in the basement of my mind. At times, it is painful and I find myself choking down tears that suddenly rise out of nowhere at any given moment seemingly beyond my control. Mostly, though, I observe the feeling as it arises, and get to know when and how it occurs. It is as if I am conducting some type of study - a personal ethnography - on my Self. I take mental notes and silently interview me: "When do I remember feeling like that? Where was I? How old was I? How did I feel at the time? Why?" ... and so on.
I even made a "Lesser than list:"
Less:
- Intelligent
- kind
- courageous
- organized
- beautiful
- accomplished
- successful
- interesting
- attractive
- sexy
- competent
- worthy
- deserving
- humble
- ethical
- moral
- pure
- good
- fashionable
... of a/an ...
- mother
- scholar
- writer
- teacher
- administrator
- woman
- wife
- sister
- daughter
- friend
- gardener
- athlete
- yogi
- reader
- activist
Feeling lesser than, accompanies me in my interactions with others. It resides as a constantly, simmering, general anxiety. It does not seem to matter if I am with friends, colleagues or family members. From somewhere at the back of my mind a voice tells me that I am not as good as, and probably can never be as good as almost everyone else I come into contact with.
It is very much like a constant competition, and makes it difficult for me to let down my guard, and trust that others will accept me as I am. Worse than that, is the fact that I am not in touch with the reality of who I have become these past 62 years.
I am amazed at how stuck I can be - finding myself emotionally at age 10, or even younger at 7 or 8! At those moments, I wish that Cher would come along and give me a slap saying, "Snap out of it!"
The more I befriend the feeling and get to know its roots and characteristics, I find that slowly, slowly, I am starting to ssnnaaaapp out of it. It reminds me of those tenacious weeds in the garden. I pull out one, and realize that it is attached to a large, complicated root system deeply embedded in the earth. In order to get it out completely I will have to dig very deep down, and who knows where it will end up? ... maybe even in the neighbor's yard!
I have yet to understand and, harder still, accept, that it is not about me being lesser or more than ...
... but rather that it is okay for me to be different ...
Susan B. (twinkle in my eye) - SO good to hear from you. Your words are deeply appreciated. And much love right back at ya!
Smiles.
Posted by: tamarika | June 23, 2011 at 06:42 AM
Those innermost thoughts can be so wicked and so far removed from reality. From one of your many admirers - who appeciates you just the way you are. Perhaps sometimes less, sometimes more, always Tamar. With much love...
Posted by: Susan B. | June 22, 2011 at 07:42 PM