Has it been a busy month, or is it avoidance? I must say that writing has become more of a challenge of late.
But, this morning I think I understand why.
For me, writer's block sometimes comes after I feel shamed by critical, external forces. And, this past week I rediscovered some unresolved emotions from events going back about three and a half years ago. They sneaked up on me! A real surprise. Springing out of one, flippant comment from a family member. But that is how these things happen ... bringing up old pains, and pressing creaky, old buttons that tap into emotional memories in my brain.
Tap, tap, tap.
For a few days there, I raged and broiled within, wrote in my journal, and wept often. And then ... presto! I realized that there were still unresolved feelings lying low and were simmering quietly beneath my consciousness.
- It was painful.
- Unpleasant.
- Uncomfortable.
- Pushed me right up against a wall.
- It made me re-uncover my vulnerabilities -
- my old childish need for acknowledgment and validation.
Ah - regression.
Or, is it that I really do not like that part about myself: being angry?
For it makes me feel ugly and weak.
And yet, cognitively, rationally, I know that anger is just one of the many emotions all human beings feel. After all, if someone stands on my toes, it is necessary to tell them: "I don't like it when you do that! Ow! It hurts!" I teach and present this stuff constantly for early childhood professionals everywhere. I lecture and write about how we must accept children's anger - validate them to feel their feeling safely with us caring adults, and guide children to express it in ways that are not self-destructive, or that would hurt others. For anger is a necessary emotion which is also productive.
For, surely, without anger as the original force, we would never be able to change the world and claim our civil rights.
I understand all that so clearly for everyone else ... just not for me.
Pushing past that wall means letting go of my need for validation and acknowledgment from people who are unable to give it to me, and realizing who I am and how I came to be me for my self.
None of that is possible, until I learn to feel deserving enough for me to allow myself - to validate, acknowledge, and accept my anger, not as something ugly or weak, but just part of who I am as a human being. And then I might be able to choose how or if to express it in ways that are productive and useful to me ...
... perhaps, through writing, writing, writing ...
A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Once a blogger
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