The past three weeks I have been opening windows into my past life when I lived in Israel for twenty years, almost thirty years ago. I have discovered that I was hard working and a devoted mother, and that some people liked me back then. I also peeked into windows that helped me see just how much I lacked confidence back then. For so long I believed that there was something wrong with, me or that I was a bad person. But as I looked at my past home, and thought about relationships with others at the time, I see only that I lacked self-worth in the deepest way.
It has been difficult for me to confront this reality because of course it makes me realize that some of the choices I made were so obviously based on not feeling deserving of being treated well, or even kindly, by others. All of this I have been reflecting upon these past five years in therapy. But somehow, this visit to Israel this time has confirmed my understanding at a much more profound level.
I get it!
At moments when it has been painful, I am strengthened by the knowledge that all those feelings are about the past, and that my present reality is different now. I am not a child or young woman searching for love or acknowledgement any longer. I am all the ages of me I ever will be (as Fred Rogers said), and I am beginning to accept, and even quite like, what I understand about who I am today.
Marion - Yes - I do remember!
And seriously, thank you! All my love back.
Posted by: Tamarika | March 03, 2017 at 11:39 PM
Remember how we always joked about the potential reality of figuring it all out .....at last.....!!!!!👏.....and then you die! 😱.
Seriously, all joking aside, there are many good good years left for us and looking ahead will be easier and more joyful! I celebrate your courage and tenacity in staying the course of excavating the true self!!!!
All my love, Marion
Posted by: Marion | March 02, 2017 at 05:04 PM