Blogging-an-anniversary

A year ago I wrote:

Because of the book I am now writing, I am constantly thinking about children needing attention. Today, I thought about how adults want young children to learn self-regulation. Somehow they see children's need for attention as getting in the way of learning self-regulation. Their lessons are so behaviorist in approach: do this and that to please me, your teacher, parent, significant adult - or I will show you how displeased I am. I will ignore you or punish you until you succumb and do it my way. I think to myself, "How will children learn about empathy, compassion, or to make a stand about anything, when they are learning only to please others?" I remember from a very young age learning to do anything for the significant adults in my life just so they wouldn't ignore me. Being ignored makes us invisible when we are children.

How can we learn about who we are or what we need when we are being ignored? Indeed, shunning is so much more powerful even than physical admonishment ...

And now the book is done and will be published this year.

Little did I know how emotionally painful it would be for me to write it. For, three months into last year, my mother passed away, and I took up the book project in the summer, just three months later. With her death, I somehow finally gave myself the permission to dig deep into my own childhood, and remember the ways in which I was taught to self-regulate. I was able to feel it viscerally with an intensity that was acute. At times it felt like emotional surgery. Over the months since completing the book, I am increasingly aware of how and why I chose again and again to be in relationships that were hurtful for me. I am also much more understanding of how little self-worth I had. It is, as my therapist says, like taking off the sun glasses and seeing things clearly in the reality of daylight.

The shouting and wailing that I incurred when I hinted at needing attention or having emotional needs met as a child, were nothing compared to the ignoring and shunning that came after. Indeed, to this day, when I am shunned I am gripped by a chilling fear, in the pit of my stomach, as if my very life is in danger. I understand to the core of my being why I would be attracted again and again to people who did not like or want me - only to try and convince them that I could be worthy of their love if only they would give me a chance. And I developed delusions that I was needed more than anyone because secretly, in the end, they (being my mother of course) loved me best. 

These are all amazing revelations for me. Shedding illusions, and realizing my self-worth can only release me - free me up, and clear the way now for a different way of perceiving myself, interactions, and my relationships. And so I dedicate this, my thirteenth blogging anniversary to clearing the way more and more, to unpacking the understanding of my past life choices, and in making ones that bring more peace and self-acceptance. But even more importantly, it has all only made my passion for early childhood education ever more fervent. It has made it even more urgent for me to help adults realize how important their relationships with children are for everything: attachment and confidence, socialization, academic success, and especially for feeling valued.

And on this anniversary I want to thank all those who have supportively accompanied me on my blogging journey these past thirteen years. So many people really, but especially those I started out with thirteen years ago, and especially Danny Miller, Frank Paynter, Neil Kramer, and Mary Frazier Brennan.

Comments

[Mary Brennan]

It's been a privilege to travel with you on your blogging journey, Tamar. I value your your insights and honesty. Happy blog-a-versary!

[Mary Brennan]

It's been a privilege to travel with you on your blogging journey. Someday I hope to meet face to face, but until then, I so value your insights and honesty. Happy blog-a-versary, Tamar!