The lightness of being

Quotes of the Day:

I worshipped dead men for their strength, Forgetting I was strong. Vita Sackville-West, in Steinem, "Revolution From Within."

Once we were old enough to have an education, the first step toward self-esteem for most of us is not to learn but unlearn. We need to demystify the forces that have told us what we should be before we can value what we are. Gloria Steinem, Revolution From Within.

[Both quotes are taken from the book I authored: "Confronting our Discomfort: Clearing the Way to Anti-Bias in Early Childhood."]

February rolled around quickly this year it seems. Before I could blink an eye, I find myself almost to the middle of the second month of this year. The past year has been one of tough, emotional work. Painful, challenging, and, at times, daunting. But as I climb up and out of it this past month and a half I sense a shift. Of course, it has been happening within me for some time now, but lately it feels real and here to stay. A few days ago I read an excerpt from Geneen Roth's upcoming book: This Messy Magnificent Life.

The million-dollar answer to the question that most people aren’t asking about why weight loss is so difficult to maintain, is that along with the exaltation come less positive feelings. The lightness that accompanies an unencumbered body feels vulnerable. And if we’ve used our weight in any way, even unconsciously, to keep us safe, the joy of weight loss can be overlaid by a wash of terror. In my experience, the unspoken reason that people don’t maintain their weight loss is that they might not want to be thinner more than they want to stay protected or hidden.

While Roth is talking about physical weight loss and the mind-body connection, her words spoke to me. Feeling lighter emotionally is also a weird type of disconcerting feeling. I am used to feeling weighed down by traumatic, emotional baggage. As I shed it more and more, the peaceful feeling and lightness that is emerging is not like anything I have felt before. What can I say: it's empowering! And feeling powerful has always felt dangerous to me. As I write this sentence I suddenly remember that I wrote about this in Chapter 4 of my first book (see above). The chapter is titled, "In and Out of Confidence," and I open it with a story about a mother of a child in the Campus Child Care Center of which I was the Director at the time. She described to me feeling excited about feeling powerful ("in confidence," as she called it), and that it could be dangerous - that she could move mountains. Somehow there was danger in that. A couple of other women coming in to pick up their children overheard our conversation and agreed. They too felt it was dangerous when they felt powerful. 

I know that my fear of my power or assertiveness comes directly from my childhood days and the wrath I incurred from my mother when I tried to disagree with her, or when I dared to tell her what I needed emotionally. However, I also know that society in general reinforces women's fear of being powerful. As Germaine Greer wrote: "It's time to get angry again!" And I hear the call to power all across the country and world lately with the #MeToo movement, and women running for office all over the nation. 

This is a complex topic - women and power in a patriarchal society where many of our mothers themselves were/are the gatekeepers. This needs a chapter in and of itself instead of just a blog post. However, it reminds me that shedding pounds of weight or emotional baggage can make us feel lighter, full of energy and freedom of spirit. Carrying around all that physical or emotional weight kept us safe and hidden behind intricately woven survival techniques since we were children. 

What courage it must take to lose it. And, even more daunting is to hold still with the fear that arises when I shed all that ancient baggage I have held onto for so long. When I lose the labels and myths that dragged me into the emotional abyss time after time. When I take off my sunglasses and see with clarity the reality of who I am today. Indeed, I become vulnerable and exposed to myself as I show me how I really can be in my own chosen skin.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Closure