Mining Nuggets: We get what we get and don't get upset!

Recently I learned that this expression, “we get what we get and don’t get upset,” is used freely and frequently by teachers of young children. The adults say it, for example, when they are deciding which musical instruments they are handing out, or which snack they are doling out to each child. This message clearly represses feelings and creates an unsafe emotional environment for young children. It comes from adults who are uncomfortable with their own feelings. It has developed out of a culture of emotional discomfort and repression. It’s yet another one of those misinterpretations about the concept of self-regulation with young children, where they have to suppress their feelings and go it alone. For children, the message is quite simply: curb your desire at all costs; don’t fight for what you want or need at all costs; keep the peace at all costs.

This expression immediately raises questions for me:

As a child, how do I validate what I feel? How do I learn to think critically? How do I form an opinion? How do I learn about why I should curb my desires?

And let’s say children do get upset with what they get. What if they want more? Where do their feelings go?

Who can they talk to about it, and who will listen when they cry or become angry and hurt?

Why are tantrums or expressions of anger and frustration of young children considered bad? Why do they cause adults discomfort?

Why does it anger adults when children want something more or different to what they are given?

How much of our judgement or determination about what is important is based on knowledge of child development or is objective and professional – and how much comes solely from the gut? In fact, how do adults determine or judge as to what is important for each individual and unique child when our judgement is based on or clouded by some of these factors? Our own biases; our own childhood experiences; our own ways of solving problems that seem to have worked for us; our convenience, our own cultural norms; our fears; our survival skills and defense mechanisms; and our self-interest.

The expression, “we get what we get and don’t get upset,” angers me personally, yes indeed. It pushes all my buttons, because I am reminded how terribly good I am at “getting what I get, and not allowing myself to get upset.” As a child, I learned that lesson all too well, for when I do get upset, I become anxious and feel bad about myself. These days, late in my life, I am desperately trying to unlearn it, and allow myself to feel upset and desire more than what “I get” – or, even, to know what I want at all.

Conclusion: The message, “we get what we get and don’t get upset,” is solely for the comfort, convenience, and emotional laziness of the adults who care for children. It is repressive for the children who learn it. As adults who care for and educate young children, we simply must change the way we do and say things, in order to help them understand their feelings, wants and needs, and to develop a sense of who they are.