Can I be more compassionate with myself? For if I am not, am I able to have compassion for others? These are questions I have been asking since reading about self compassion by Kristin Neff. For example, what critical voices have I developed in my brain? Becoming aware of how I talk to me about me in my head is half the battle toward becoming more compassionate with myself. This is different to narcissism and constant self praise. This is about learning to accept my flaws as part of being human. Becoming aware of my humanity helps me become more compassionate toward me. For example, I carry many plates from the table to the kitchen, and a voice (probably from my step-father, when I was a child) harshly admonishes me: "Be careful, you are going to drop those!" And, in that moment I find myself walking with fear of my ability - probably causing me to drop a plate after all! Instead, I become aware of why I want to carry so many all at once. Do I want to please everyone and show them how good I am at clearing the table? Am I tired and want to finish my chores quickly? Am I angry that I am left with doing this work all alone? In other words, why do I need to carry too many plates all at once? And, on the other hand, perhaps I am capable of doing that without dropping any if I feel secure in my abilities. Self compassion helps me become more aware of why I do what I do authentically and intentionally. It also helps me accept and validate my feelings. After all, feelings are part of being human. Everyone has feelings whether we like them or not - whether they cause us discomfort or not. I might deny them or pretend I don't feel them ... but nevertheless, consciously or unconsciously I feel them ... simply because I am human. Feelings are complex. They arise when I least expect them, often when they are in the way of me having a good time, or pretending they aren't there.
Lately, I am finding it a relief to experience a feeling cognitively, physically, viscerally, and then choosing how, when, or even if to express it. As I become more conscious of the critical voices in my brain acquired since I was a child, I am able to develop self compassion. For example, after having lost 30 pounds weight this past year, I still find myself standing by the mirror and seeing a larger me. A critical voice murmurs in my head (Tamar, you look terrible! You need to lose weight!). I steady my gaze and think, "Would I ever talk like that to a friend, or my child?" And then as I focus again I see a more realistic version of me. Not skinny and tall - of course not! But not overweight or ugly as before. Just the me of here and now.
As I learn acceptance and self compassion, I find it easier to transfer these feelings onto others. It helps me become even more compassionate with children, who struggle to understand their emotions. Adults, who are hard on themselves seem to take out these critical self-expectations on young, sensitive children, who need their help and guidance.
But am feeling short of time! There is still so much work to be done ... will I have the time? Do I need to write another book perhaps? Hm, I guess I am feeling wistful as age 70 creeps up on me. It will be upon me in less than six weeks. I won't be teaching anymore, and I wonder even how long people will seek me out for presentations. And so, as I am clearly entering the autumn of my life, I have become more than usually reflective. Especially about self compassion, and validation of children's feelings. I think I have had a good run up till now, and hopefully have influenced some people to become kinder with children. However, I am starting to feel an urgency to help adults who work with young children in becoming more compassionate with themselves in order to help them better accept children's development and humanity. And I wonder ... how do I go about that?
A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Opossum
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