New year reflections

There is change in the air: Not just because it is the beginning of fall, and evenings and early mornings are cooler - even brisk at times; Not just because leaves are staring to turn and the wind whispers of wintry days ahead; Not just because I turned 70 and retired from college teaching this year; And, not just because it is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, a time of self evaluation and hope for spiritual transformation. For me, change is in the air most especially, because two months ago I became a grandmother for the first time. While it is hard to express the joy and love I feel for and with my sweet, infant granddaughter, I have found myself more introspective than usual.

Indeed, as I age, I realize more and more that advice is not what people need. They need a listening ear and support for working out things on their own. For, why would I know what is the right way to be? Sure, I have learned along the way, especially from the mistakes I have made. Mainly I processed my life and learned what worked or did not work for me according to my memories, early childhood and life experiences. Each person learns in their own way. We are influenced by our genes, family configurations, and different ways of solving problems or developing a world view or mind set.

Rather than give advice, I can rather share stories about my life and the things I have learned as I processed the experiences. These might be useful for others. It might help them reflect about their own lives as they hear my stories. I think about why we want to give advice. It is hard to see other people suffering or facing life challenges especially if we care about them. We want to fix it or make it easier. But in reality, each person faces challenges within themselves alone. We can be supportive by listening or sometimes helping out technically or physically, should people desire that. But we can never know what it feels like to be someone else. We can only imagine what they are going through filtered through our own unique life experiences. I also think we want everyone to be like us – advice comes from a place that says – hey! Be like me, do it like me. The way you are isn’t okay. You should … should … should … Leading me to question: Why do we fear differences in others? What difference does it make if they dress, eat, walk, talk, raise their children, furnish their homes etc. the way that they do? Who says my way is the best? What gives me the right to judge others? What makes one better than the other?

Since I have become a grandmother recently, these feelings and thoughts have become more acute. At times I feel I know better than my son and his wife. But, in reality, the way I parented was not always the best. I learned from my mother, but looking back, these were not the best ways to raise a child. I was filled with uncertainty and anxieties – fears and feelings of low self-worth. I have knowledge of child development and when I look back, I think of ways that would have been better for my child and me. But I cannot know what is best for my son, his wife and their daughter. They are different from me – each because of their own memories, early childhood, genes, parents, life experiences. We are generations apart, and the way we live our lives is different from generation to generation. Human emotions, needs and desires are similar, but so much else is different.

So, during this season of New Year and reflection, I realize it's time for me to hold still and be supportive and loving in silent, non-judgmental ways. Am not quite sure I know what this will feel like. I am bound to make mistakes navigating new emotional territory as I accompany my son and his wife on their new parenting journey, while at the same time, learning to become a grandparent.

Comments

[Naomi Klayman]

I began thinking about this when my kids were teens. I realized the world they were growing up in was so different from mine that many of my solutions would not be the best choices for them. It was very humbling. That said, now that I am a grandmother, I have a lot of opinions! I think that having the vantage point of being removed from the pressures of being a parent in the middle of a career allows us to see things from a different perspective. Still, I must keep my mouth shut and let my brilliant offspring figure out the solutions that will work for their families. Thank you for this reminder to listen and offer compassion.

[Tamarika]

Hi Tamar M. Yes it’s thought provoking for me too! Let’s see if I can learn how to do this LOL

[Tamar M]

You are so wise, Tamar! Thank you for sharing this. Compassion, kindness, stories— so much better than advice, which I love to share. Way too much! Very thought-provoking! Shanah Tovah u’mTukah!