Accepting your feelings by understanding my own

Quote of the day:

Feelings and predispositions matter, for Aristotle, but more for the sake of self-knowledge than self-improvement ... Mister Rogers agreed: “Everyone has lots of ways of feeling. And all of those feelings are fine. It’s what we do with our feelings that matter in this life.” ... We’d be better off if we’d stop negating children’s dark emotions with stifling commands like “Don’t cry,” “Calm down,” “Be quiet.” If we are convinced by Rogers’ and Aristotle’s claim that feelings are not wrong and that “what’s mentionable is manageable,” we should begin mentioning our own sad, lonely and disappointed feelings. In doing so, we would show children — and our grown-up selves — how to appropriately manage them.

The New York Times, Mariana Alessandri, November 28, 2019

Revisiting the love-hate epiphany:

Holiday get-togethers with family are often accompanied by complex, sometimes intense emotions. Interactions press buttons and emotional memories arise. Or, as a close friend remarked to me recently, “The past throws up all over us!” The trick, I think, is becoming aware of which buttons are being pushed when and how. Holding still with these feelings helps me recognize them in ways that don't alarm me, rather understand and negotiate them silently within. Then I realize that often the other person's hurtful words or behaviors have nothing to do with who I am, or what I might have been saying. Perhaps my interactions unwittingly press buttons for the other person too.

It takes work, even courage, to face ourselves. I mean, who likes feeling pain or discomfort on purpose? As young children most of us were taught to repress our emotions. For example, we should not feel angry or sad, and even if we were over-joyed, we were encouraged to tamper down our emotions. For example, I remember when expressing excitement, or joyfulness, adults around me told me to be careful because, "It would end in tears." Today I understand that those same adults might have feared feeling joy in order to prevent disappointment after having been hurt themselves. Perhaps they warned me when I was a child to protect me from having expectations dashed. The people who loved and cared for us as children passed on their own fears, life experiences, and ways they learned to solve problems to help us survive.

We don’t have to do it their way if it doesn't work for us.

I must say that this morning I am feeling grateful, because my closest family members are always willing to talk things through no matter how uncomfortable our feelings are. 

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Transitions

Comments

[Tamarika]

Hey, Euan! Thank you for the comment. Happy New Year, old friend!

[Euan Semple]

So true, and we don't really knows where those emotions come from. They just appear and are not in our control. Reprimanding us for experiencing them was so misguided.