A question of attitude

So, I was having a really good week - getting myself on track, making important decisions about my health, arranging a trip to Australia and New Zealand to visit with old friends, and give a keynote presentation on the importance of quality relationships with young children. And then, suddenly out of nowhere it seemed, it felt like a hand reached out from somewhere and beat me down with a huge baseball bat - beat me and beat me into whimpering submission, and I found myself huddled up on the couch covered in blankets, shivering and shaking with aching bones and chills throughout my muscles. And there I lay for three days sniveling, hacking and coughing, and aching and aching. All the while wondering what had happened, where had it come from, and why me? Yes indeed, I took it personally. At times I even wept. It surely felt as if I had been severely punished. For I was grounded, unable to visit with friends, walk in the woods, see a play, or, even, call for help. I was helpless. When I tried to rise up off the couch to walk into a different room, my body ached so badly I wept and fell back on the couch as fast as I was able. 

I am not quite sure of the exact moment when I lifted my head and thought out loud: "What? Was I feeling too empowered for you, that you just had to beat me down and into submission?" In the silence of the empty room my words echoed back to me. "Who am I talking to?" I thought. "My mother? God? Hm ... one and the same?" I started to giggle with relief as I looked around and saw no one was with me observing my maniacal display to myself. I lifted up off the couch and wandered into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. How strange ... for some reason the body ached less. 

From then on, each moment I felt weak, sore, or coughing got the better of me, I said to myself, "No! I'm not going down. It's okay for me to feel empowered, capable, likable, accomplished," and miraculously the coughing, achey body felt stronger and I was on my way. Of course, some might say the virus or cold had simply passed through and was out of there - just as illness is want to do. But I can't help but feel that my attitude played a a part: my mind and body connected the more aware I became of how I had gotten myself into it in the first place. I tracked back the day I started feeling ill to a powerful therapy session I had. It was one where I allowed my therapist to confront me in a way that felt painful but true. A hard-to-face-myself moment where I held still and felt uncomfortable. 

Who knows the reasons why I became so very ill so suddenly? I believe in science and facts - but I also think life is a mystery - and the development of my mind, my psyche, the connections between them and my bodily functions are as real as can be. So, perhaps recovering from illness could also be supported by a change of attitude? After all, why is it that I felt better when someone visited, granddaughter and surrogate-grandson face-timed to ask how I was feeling, or when life partner interrupted his work upstairs to bring me a cup of tea?

Anyway ... how does this story end, you might ask? Oh! Are you curious? Well, I am feeling physically stronger and much better today.

Thanks for being out there in Cyberspace ...  reading this ... listening ... for relationships always help me feel better, stronger, valued.

Comments

[Tamarika]

Cheryl! Beautiful! See you soon!

[Cheryl Albers]

“What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.” Rumi