This month marks the seventeenth anniversary of starting to blog. At the time my blog was named: Tamarika, In and Out of Confidence: A Journey to the Center of Myself. A year later I changed my blog's name to: Mining Nuggets: Contemplations and reflections of a 70 year old Zimraelican [The term: Zimraelican was ascribed to me by my husband. It refers to the fact that I was born in what is now Zimbabwe, when I was 19 I immigrated to Israel, where I lived for 20 years, and 33 years ago I immigrated to America, and became an American citizen].
So, this post marks the 17th anniversary of my blog. Or, as the blogosphere used to call it: my blogaversary.
One of my first blog posts was a tribute to my father: My Father Sang to Me. Over the years, from time to time, I would write a post celebrating my blogaversary. For example, on the 15th anniversary - just two years ago. Reading back over past posts and thinking forward to the future of this blog, I realize that the last time I wrote here was in April, 2021. That feels like an eternity ago because during March and April 2021, we sold our house and moved to a new Condo situation, Covid has been whirling around our lives, and retirement has kicked in in a very real way. I felt like I was blasted out of a cannon. And as is my way when facing challenging times, I steel myself and get through it all until finally I awaken and realize: "Phew! Here I am!"
So. Here I am. Back on my blog. Reflecting on my life. Understanding my emotions as I navigate this completely and utterly new stage in my life. Facing down regrets, and learning to accept myself as I am without striving for perfection. Perfection was always in the eyes of other beholders. I learned that my reality was actually constructed out of other people's beliefs - especially my mother and older brother when I was growing up. As I shed those old perspectives and develop my own, there is release, of course, and even some peace of mind. At the same time, though, it is often mind-blasting to realize how differently I see everything. It is as if, as my therapist always said, I have finally taken off my sun glasses and can see clearly without the old distorting hues.
It takes some getting used to. I see it as one of the benefits of aging. For example, I often find myself thinking: "What was that all about?" The angst and fears about how others thought of me, or how hard I worked to match up to others, who I thought were so much better, more valuable, or more deserving than me. How I longed to be included especially with those who excluded me. Nowadays I choose where I want to include myself. Dare I say, an enormous shift in my psyche.
I still have some posts in mind, and I hope to restart blogging this year. I still want to write about, as Natalie Goldberg suggests, "what disturbs me, what I fear, what I have been willing to speak about ... and to be willing to be split even more open."
Hm ... maybe this is the year it happens ...?
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